Lost Souls…
Depressed children often become lost souls as they age and
remain at the mercy of the negative thoughts and energies that invaded their
lives and become their normal state.
There are no perfect family situations. So we can say all
families have elements of health and elements of dysfunction. There are times
of love and care as well as times of negativity, conflict, and
non-communication.
As a bit of self disclosure, I, as many others, grew up in a
family in which alcohol and depression played a significant part in the home
environment. I retrospect, I can say
that some of my childhood was spent as a scared and depressed lost child. My father
and uncles were hunters and guns were around the house. As I grew older, I
looked forward to using the guns and taking my place among the ‘men’ hunters in
the family.
I also found power in having a gun when I received a ‘BB’
air rifle. I learned to play with shotgun shells and build mini rockets using
the gunpowder from the ammunition which was always accessible to me since they
were stored with the guns in the pantry closet.
As a young teenager I felt the need to shoot something... a bit of repressed anger I suppose. I
loaded a 4-10 shotgun and went out in the backyard and found a small bird as my
anger’s victim. I later felt remorse for that act and also changed my own view
of hunting for me. I did enter the killing forces of the US when I volunteered
for the US Air Force. Although I was in the air defense command working with
electronic and computer repair, I was also taught to use a military rifle and
how to take care of the rifle.
By the time I was stationed in Wyoming, I own a ‘hunting’
rifle. I went hunting during the fall after high school and had a beautiful
antlered buck in my sights. I squeezed the trigger to discover the lock was on.
When I clicked the lock to the ‘off’ position, the deer bolted and saved me from
shooting it. I never shot at another animal. I know that many do hunt and
respect wildlife and use the meat for food. I find that I do not enjoy the
stories of sport hunting where the trophy is to boost the egos of the shooter,
to somehow enhance someone’s ‘manhood’ and in some cases, ‘womanhood.’
There are many complex issues that are involved with guns,
mental health, childhood depression, suicidal ideation, and family dynamics.
Even when I felt anger toward and about my father as a child and teenager, I
may have wished he was gone from our family, but I never thought about taking
matters into my own hands. Depression
sometimes led to suicidal thoughts for me, but I never seriously planned it for
myself or thought of doing harm directly to others.
But there were times in my life where I could have used some
help along the way, especially during childhood. I missed a lot of school,
especially after elementary school days. I was never approached about any of
this and if I would have been, I most likely would have said I didn’t need any
help or nothing was wrong.
It took a while, but I learned through life experience and
personal and spiritual growth that there is really nothing fundamentally ‘wrong’
with me or us, even when it feels that way. We may feel out of sync or lost in
some negative or “stinkin’ thinkin’” but that is not who we are. I was fortunate to have some guide posts along
the way, a few epiphanies, and lots of searching. I hope we can take all we
have learned in this life’s experience and use it to spread loving kindness to
those around us. Loving one another sometimes means reaching out to those who
are as lost as we once were… helping them to find their way home to the
present, free of the enslavement of negativity within.
I had my moments of conversation with the little bird whose
life I ended and found some acceptance in that, even though I still feel sad
that I was so out of touch to want to do that as a child.
And I have made my peace with my father as well, who was
probably more lost than I ever was.
The point of this ramble is to say, there are moments,
perhaps, that we may notice something in the energies and actions of others
that cry out for help and attention. Let us do our part to show loving kindness
to them and let them know they are not alone and we will listen to their story
and their pain.
john@sunhutch.com
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