Parenting: Raising children with high self-esteem

How do you raise children with high self esteem?

The question is an interesting one. While I think I know what you mean, I do wonder about what you mean by “raise children” and also what you might mean by “high self esteem”….

When children come into our life, we are given the responsibility to do the best we can as those who would nurture, support, and care for them. Then we often say goodbye and let them go into the world to find their way. We of course can still love and coach as we are asked to do so… but there comes a time to let go…

But what about those years when we are faced with the day to day interactions? … Whether the child is mostly dependent as in the early years, or whether it is a time of growing independence through school years, we can come from a place of response rather than reaction... From a place of awakened awareness, we know that we are equal with Being and an integral part of the Oneness of Life itself… each at a different point on the path, yet sharing space and learning from each other about life about parenting, about being and doing…

The parent has the responsibility to love and respect the true being of another being at all times. This may mean different things to different people. In my experience, it seems best to be present and listen to what the child is saying, without simply trying to correct or change what we may think is ‘wrong’ thinking or action.

As with all of life, a good approach as a parent is to take care of your own ‘self esteem’ and make sure you are as conscious and aware in the present moment as much as possible. And as in all relationships, we often learn about our own ego and expectations when we catch our reacting with anger, frustration, or energy that pushes away and makes other defensive. So “raising” a child or two or six can present many opportunities for learning… for both parents and children…

I think that people most likely enter the world with an open and awake presence… they respond directly to energies and stimuli in their environment. It is as they become more domesticated that they tend to lose touch with that innate sense of intuition and awareness. We want them to fit into to ‘our’ society… so they pick up our language and words and more importantly the cultural and tribal energies and rules that may be taught and are surely absorbed at both conscious and unconscious levels.

So, when our son was eating one night and using his fingers rather than his utensils, we talked to him a bit about how people in social setting usually do things and if he didn’t want people staring at him, it would be a good idea to practice using the knife and fork and spoon… Of course we kept it simple and tried not to make it a “bad” thing to use his fingers. I tell this story, and I’m sure every time I share it, it changes a bit… that’s what talking about the past is usually about… but the point is that we can talk with our children about social customs that we want to convey without making others right or wrong. There are certainly more complex issues that arise all the time. Keeping the communication open is an important aspect of parenting.

Many years ago, I mediated between a parent and child in which the communication was all but broken down, except for rather hurtful and attacking noises being thrown at one another…. A sure indication that neither one is seeing the results they want and expect.

It is important for parents and all of us to see others without judgment or expectations. Most frustrated parents are ones who have unmet expectations. Most frustrated people are ego identified humans who have forgotten their identity.

So the most important aspect for any parent and any person is to take time each day to BE… taking time to be aware of the Being-ness we are… right now in the timeless presence… I know many will say, “Well try that when your kid is screaming at you.” Or is coming home 4 hours after the time you said they were to come home… One mother was so angry at her daughter for being late and not calling and telling her she would be late… The anger was more of a fear that something had happened and rather than being glad she was safe, the mother expressed he relief through anger. I’m not saying an expression or emotion is wrong or right. But as we remain aware and conscious in the moment, we are more likely to make choices about what we say that comes from a place of stillness and Love that we all are and can experience from the Source of Being and Love within all of Life. There have been many books written on how to raise your children. Perhaps there needs to be a book about learning from your children, their actions, and communications, how to parent...

Every person has their own way of expressing the Being we are. We all find ourselves getting lost in identifications…feeling states… roles… thoughts and expectations… and it is our job to be aware… and when we notice there is some negativity or stress, name it for what it is… accept what is… and that is the process of reawakening moment by moment…

So, if we indeed can be present and see our child as divine... as we are... and all of life is, would that make a difference in the choices we make?... in the things we choose to say?... and in the actions we choose to take?... It seems it might…

To summarize a few points:
1. Breathe and remain awake and aware;
2. Accept ‘what is’ without making it good or bad;
3. Choose your actions and words with respect and Love for yourself and ALL of life;
4. Do your best to stay in touch with Life’s Love, Peace and Joy of Being that resides within you;
5. Communicate your love and concerns in a way your child  understands, while listening to what he or she is trying to express to you;
6. If you want or need coaching in parenting, you will find it; and the best place is always an awakened heart…. And...
7. You fill in the next ones…..

[Note: “Raising” could mean: how do we lift them up to the true being they already are?… it could also mean: how do I control their development? If it leans toward the later, it seems that development continues to happen with or without or input, so we might as well make our interactions as positive as possible.

“Self-esteem” usually refers to the feelings one has about oneself. Positive influence can help, but the personal ego usually moves the person/child toward comparisons and there is always someone better, as judged by our ego… most people are sure they have had poor self esteem along the path. And if feeling negative toward some aspect of our body or behavior or abilities is what we are referring to, then yes, I’m sure we all have fallen short of someone’s idea of perfection. Confidence often comes from accomplishing or doing something well enough to earn some praise or reward… in reality, we can find the Love and Joy of Being through being in touch with the One Source of Life Energy that all forms share… the timeless presence of Being…

There is an aspect of ego development in which confidence, self-esteem, self-image are all important in helping us operate in the world in a functional way… but that is the material for a different article or book!,,, jh]

Beauty and the Body

[Recently, I asked for some questions or concerns from friends and readers. I have taken the opportunity to see what words might come regarding these inquiries and the results are what follows... Your thoughts and comments are invited. ]

How does one accept their own beauty and not get sucked into the notion that a thin body is the only form that's beautiful?

We can be hard on ourselves at times... non-accepting of the way things are... But the short answer resides in being one with the essence of Being... with the essence of Love... with the acceptance of what is...in this present moment.

Modern society is constantly bombarding us with advertisements that try to define beauty and what what we need. Beauty is often regarded by the ego in comparative terms. "How does my body compare to his or her body." It seems that real beauty must emanate for within and release into the world. As we drop our false identities of being "fat" or "not beautiful enough" and move to the present moment of finding that stillness within, we realize that we are not the thoughts in our head. We begin to notice what our thoughts tell us about our body and we become the pure awareness that notices the thoughts and feeling. We are not those thoughts and feelings, but often fall unconsciously into believing the words and beliefs we have heard from others and have replayed in our thinking or egoic mind...

In other cultures and times there are different ideas of beauty and what constitutes a beautiful body. We can see examples in the art and photos from various times and cultures. There are many concepts of beauty that reside in our collective and personal unconscious... there are conditions were we ruin our health due to obsessions about what we think is beautiful or 'ugly'...and, by contrast, there is the energy of 'Beauty' that is beyond the egoic attachments...

Within the stillness, we see 'what is'... We may see we have more weight on our body that may be slowing us down in some way...or perhaps unhealthy for the vehicle of the physical form to carry all the time... But this is just 'what is'... it is not negative or positive... and has nothing to do with real beauty.

Inner Beauty emerges from pure awareness and the acceptance of what is... it emerges from the still-point within that is pure BEING...pure awareness in this moment... If we are to put words to the energy of 'beauty,' it might be considered a gentle and harmonious light energy that dances with LIFE energy... aligning with the ground of BEING... One with Life and Love...

The body is our vehicle for moving around in our current home...Planet Earth... Each form is unique...  It is what it is. We can always choose consciously what we use for fuel and maintenance for our bodiy's needs.

So we can find the space of stillness... we can watch our thoughts and feelings about 'Beauty' and we can decide to move beyond the words and emotions and into the state of BEING which is pure Beauty, Peace, Love... the Joy of Being... Now

[Note: I have lost and gained weight over many years. Self-image and self-esteem are 2 psychological terms relating to how we think and feel about ourselves in conventional ways. Our identity is beyond what the scale tells us... and our ego likes to get us lost in comparing body image to others or in negative thoughts and feelings. That is always a losing exercise... the comparison one... it seems it is best to make choices based on what we choose for ourselves and our way of being in the world rather based upon how we compare to those around us or what others may think. jh]

September 13, 2010 - JH