Here is another ramble from brother John in Denver…. I call
it a ramble because it is a way of teasing out something that has popped in to
my consciousness and I don’t have a clear or concise picture of what I want to
say…. An exploration through a somewhat stream of stained glass consciousness….
So what came up was how often I and perhaps others cannot
let love in….. and have trouble receiving love and caring expressed by others…
and also have trouble loving myself…ourselves… in some way…
I realize this particularly at times when I can love myself,
others and the world around me. It becomes clearer that the times I cannot love
myself or accept love from others are times when I am lost in some negative
trance of past recordings, memories, regrets… on and on…. I’m sure most have
had the experience of getting lost in the negative spiral of the mental jungle
that finds us going down “the rabbit hole” caught in those negative thoughts…
mostly from the past…. That we rehearse and replay…
It culminates in feelings of unworthiness… I’m bad in some
way… not worthy or good enough to be loved… Of course, our background
experiences can make these rabbit holes deeper at times… and if we do not have
some way to break the trance, we can live in the low and imploding energy until
we use most of our energy to resist life energy coming through us… this has
been labeled by many as depression… when in reality it takes a lot of energy to
resist the natural flow of Life energy trying to flow though our being and form….
We all have our favorite negative tapes we play… we rehearse
and replay the so-called ‘failures’ of the past or when we did not live up to
our own or someone else’s expectations or projections of who we should be…
And really what happens with me is that I become lost in the
maze of endless thought patterns that keep me detached from being present now….
Of course we can be present in our thoughts and egoic mental gymnastics… and
this is a form of being conscious but not really present… So in this sense I
guess I would see being present as being aware in the moment beyond the
feelings and thoughts and really in this present moment of now.
How in the world do we get here from the rabbit holes and
negative tapes? Well, it is probably different for each of us in some ways. For
me, I often find myself getting deeper into the pit and at least being aware
that I am in a resistive mode toward life. This awareness in the moment gives
me the opportunity to make a choice to stay in the trance, which has somewhat
been recognized, or to do something different. The practice of awareness…. Of seeing
and identifying what is, often leads to the memory of other times of being in a
different state…. Changing states some would call it…
“Letting go” are two words that are often used to describe the
changing states process…
Acceptance of what was…of what is… and moving our conscious
awareness from then to now… letting go of the past and re-entering this present
moment…
When I have found a rabbit hole, I can go back through my
entire life history and through the lens of the pit will see everything in a
negative light… Of course there are times when we need to deal with and heal
past negative energies, situations, relations, etc… we all have done some
things along the way that we might do differently in this moment if we had it
to do over again. Yet, it does not really help to say we are all in the same
boat or alike in this general way, since I have to deal with my life and my
experiences, and my own healing… as you need to do your own work and healing…
One of the signs of a rabbit hole approaching for me is if I
catch myself comparing my life to that of others. Right away we can get into a “not
good enough” or failure mode since we can always find someone’s life or
situation “better” than our own…. With all our expectations and projections
thrown in.
The only thing that breaks this trance for me is to return
to the present moment with a deep sense of acceptance of what was and what is…
Am I okay right now? Is my life okay today? From this point we can make
decisions that we need to make in the moments as they arise. From a greater
awareness in this present moment, I can see and choose the best I can… and this
is enough….
Decisions made in the past were mostly done in the best
possible way, only to be labeled “bad” or “wrong” when the outcome was not what
we intended, wanted, and/or expected. So the art of labeling things in a
negative way develops after the actual decision and action… and the tendency to
label in negative ways may also be supported through models in our past who we caught
in negative patterns and lost in their own pain and past…
Everything effects everything… our past experiences… the
examples and models of childhood… and the values we were taught or have come to
hold are all part of what makes up our uniqueness…
It seems that expectations provide a level of hope and
anticipation… and they also provide an opportunity for disappointment and
suffering of some sort. Can we hope and also hold that hope with a lightness
that comes up short of being attached to an outcome. I have often written and
said to “expect the unexpected” which of course we cannot do since we do not
know what the unexpected future holds. But for me it suggests that no matter
where our minds go regarding future events, hopes and fears, we know that we do
not know and must see and deal with events as they come into our lives. We make
plans and of course Life happens in its own course… Am I willing and able to
accept this uncertainty. If I don’t then I am sure to be humbled back into
reality since I do not control Life through my egoic wishes and wants.
The complexity of the maze of our mental energies can be
overwhelming… I guess I would go back to the beginning of this ramble… the
issue of not being able to receive and give love which seems to stem from
issues, as labeled in modern psychological terms, issues of low self-esteem and
low self-worth… If we did not grow up in a garden where these aspect were nurtured
and tended, then we are left to find ways to nurture ourselves and grow our
sense of value…. Of healthy self-love and acceptance… of the ability to be open
to others by giving and receiving love… by caring and tending to others as well
as ourselves.
I have found moments in life when I have realized I am not “bad”…
and have come to see others as not “bad” as well…. I have opened to the
acceptance that “good” and “bad” are just terms and interpretations, of
projections and judgments… yet at the feeling level of being, they can be very
real and act as filter on all we do.
For some of us, it takes a moment by moment vigilance…
keeping an “eye” open for the rabbit holes and also for the rainbows… both are
part of the mystery we call Life. To deny the dark valleys and only focus on
the mountaintops can be limited in our understanding of Life’s fullness.
So, for those who dare to travel dark valleys from time to
time, I would say, you are not alone and to always chose Life...
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