Trouble accepting or giving love...?!?

Here is another ramble from brother John in Denver…. I call it a ramble because it is a way of teasing out something that has popped in to my consciousness and I don’t have a clear or concise picture of what I want to say…. An exploration through a somewhat stream of stained glass consciousness….

So what came up was how often I and perhaps others cannot let love in….. and have trouble receiving love and caring expressed by others… and also have trouble loving myself…ourselves… in some way…

I realize this particularly at times when I can love myself, others and the world around me. It becomes clearer that the times I cannot love myself or accept love from others are times when I am lost in some negative trance of past recordings, memories, regrets… on and on…. I’m sure most have had the experience of getting lost in the negative spiral of the mental jungle that finds us going down “the rabbit hole” caught in those negative thoughts… mostly from the past…. That we rehearse and replay…

It culminates in feelings of unworthiness… I’m bad in some way… not worthy or good enough to be loved… Of course, our background experiences can make these rabbit holes deeper at times… and if we do not have some way to break the trance, we can live in the low and imploding energy until we use most of our energy to resist life energy coming through us… this has been labeled by many as depression… when in reality it takes a lot of energy to resist the natural flow of Life energy trying to flow though our being and form….

We all have our favorite negative tapes we play… we rehearse and replay the so-called ‘failures’ of the past or when we did not live up to our own or someone else’s expectations or projections of who we should be…

And really what happens with me is that I become lost in the maze of endless thought patterns that keep me detached from being present now…. Of course we can be present in our thoughts and egoic mental gymnastics… and this is a form of being conscious but not really present… So in this sense I guess I would see being present as being aware in the moment beyond the feelings and thoughts and really in this present moment of now.

How in the world do we get here from the rabbit holes and negative tapes? Well, it is probably different for each of us in some ways. For me, I often find myself getting deeper into the pit and at least being aware that I am in a resistive mode toward life. This awareness in the moment gives me the opportunity to make a choice to stay in the trance, which has somewhat been recognized, or to do something different. The practice of awareness…. Of seeing and identifying what is, often leads to the memory of other times of being in a different state…. Changing states some would call it…

“Letting go” are two words that are often used to describe the changing states process…

Acceptance of what was…of what is… and moving our conscious awareness from then to now… letting go of the past and re-entering this present moment…

When I have found a rabbit hole, I can go back through my entire life history and through the lens of the pit will see everything in a negative light… Of course there are times when we need to deal with and heal past negative energies, situations, relations, etc… we all have done some things along the way that we might do differently in this moment if we had it to do over again. Yet, it does not really help to say we are all in the same boat or alike in this general way, since I have to deal with my life and my experiences, and my own healing… as you need to do your own work and healing…

One of the signs of a rabbit hole approaching for me is if I catch myself comparing my life to that of others. Right away we can get into a “not good enough” or failure mode since we can always find someone’s life or situation “better” than our own…. With all our expectations and projections thrown in.

The only thing that breaks this trance for me is to return to the present moment with a deep sense of acceptance of what was and what is… Am I okay right now? Is my life okay today? From this point we can make decisions that we need to make in the moments as they arise. From a greater awareness in this present moment, I can see and choose the best I can… and this is enough….

Decisions made in the past were mostly done in the best possible way, only to be labeled “bad” or “wrong” when the outcome was not what we intended, wanted, and/or expected. So the art of labeling things in a negative way develops after the actual decision and action… and the tendency to label in negative ways may also be supported through models in our past who we caught in negative patterns and lost in their own pain and past…

Everything effects everything… our past experiences… the examples and models of childhood… and the values we were taught or have come to hold are all part of what makes up our uniqueness…

It seems that expectations provide a level of hope and anticipation… and they also provide an opportunity for disappointment and suffering of some sort. Can we hope and also hold that hope with a lightness that comes up short of being attached to an outcome. I have often written and said to “expect the unexpected” which of course we cannot do since we do not know what the unexpected future holds. But for me it suggests that no matter where our minds go regarding future events, hopes and fears, we know that we do not know and must see and deal with events as they come into our lives. We make plans and of course Life happens in its own course… Am I willing and able to accept this uncertainty. If I don’t then I am sure to be humbled back into reality since I do not control Life through my egoic wishes and wants.

The complexity of the maze of our mental energies can be overwhelming… I guess I would go back to the beginning of this ramble… the issue of not being able to receive and give love which seems to stem from issues, as labeled in modern psychological terms, issues of low self-esteem and low self-worth… If we did not grow up in a garden where these aspect were nurtured and tended, then we are left to find ways to nurture ourselves and grow our sense of value…. Of healthy self-love and acceptance… of the ability to be open to others by giving and receiving love… by caring and tending to others as well as ourselves.

I have found moments in life when I have realized I am not “bad”… and have come to see others as not “bad” as well…. I have opened to the acceptance that “good” and “bad” are just terms and interpretations, of projections and judgments… yet at the feeling level of being, they can be very real and act as filter on all we do.

For some of us, it takes a moment by moment vigilance… keeping an “eye” open for the rabbit holes and also for the rainbows… both are part of the mystery we call Life. To deny the dark valleys and only focus on the mountaintops can be limited in our understanding of Life’s fullness.

So, for those who dare to travel dark valleys from time to time, I would say, you are not alone and to always chose Life...

What's Love Got To Do With It?

I wrote the following article in October of 2012 and recently came across it again... I am posting it again as a reminder to myself and perhaps it will stir some energies in others as well... jh

“What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

“A life without love is a waste. ‘Should I look for spiritual love, or material, or physical love?’… Don’t ask yourself this question…  Discrimination leads to discrimination. Love doesn’t need any name, category or definition. Love is a world itself. Either you are in, at the center …or you are out, yearning.”  ~ Shams Tabrizi

How is it that sometimes we touch Love’s center or perhaps better said we feel the oneness of Love’s center in all things… and at other times we are off-center, in a space of yearning, which can lead to “looking for Love in all the wrong places”… looking to others to provide love to us?

Love that expects something in return is most likely a need and desire within our psyche that is not really love. The inner child always wants to be loved. A part of us always wants to be loved. But what is that desire? Could it be a longing or homesick feeling for the true self and Love Center that is our connection with Source, with God, with Primary Life Energy?

We can experience Love in a spiritual or transcendent sense which lifts us to a place of self acceptance… to a sense of ‘okayness’ within. This energy of Love may come through any number of ways. There are few words to describe this expansion of heart energy. And how do so many become seemingly detached from this primary life energy source? I suspect in some ways it is domesticated out of us in the process and demands of surviving in our environments.

As newborns we show up and are emotionally open and vulnerable to the actions and energies of those to whom we are dependent for survival. The quality of Love a newborn receives from others is dependent on the degree to which the caregivers are centered in Love or lost in their own pain-bodies from their own past experience. So, we can see how it is quite complex from our first breath. And from day one our personality is affected through our environment and mixes with the predispositions we bring with us through genetics and whatever other factors may be involved. Certainly from a spiritual perspective we can suggest that there may be some pre-birth contracts, purposes, or plans that we bring with us when we enter this 3^rd dimension in physical form.

What if, before birth, we also were one with the Love Center of Life’s Source, whatever we may call that or however we may wish to imagine it. It must be quite a shock to show up in the chaos that often surrounds the birth experience after being in the Universal Love Center, even before womb-time. I realize this is all speculation, even though some declare it as more than that.

Now, let us suppose we flash forward several decades or so and we find ourselves in various types of relationships. We connect naturally through family, through work, through interests, through school, through social events, and by happenstance, or as some would say, synchronicity.

So there are many different types of relationships. When we look at the relationships between people who wish to be partners we also find different reasons and rhythms of attraction and connection. At one level, two people may connect for a physical relationship, simply to enjoy the pleasures of our human body. Some people may also connect at a certain stage in life to form and generate a family within the social norms and expectations and through their own want or need to do so.

From a psycho-spiritual perspective, partners may be attracted to one another for different reasons;

·       Attracted through physical appearances;

·       Attracted due to similar interests, values, ideas;

·       Attracted by personality type, sometimes similar, sometime opposite;

·       Attracted to another’s aura or energy;

·       Attracted through chemistry… sensual and sexual energies;

·       Attracted to material life situation, successes, finances, accomplishments, possessions;

·       Attracted to a shared sense of purpose, vision, mission, calling;

What we often do not understand or realize is that we are often attracted to our own projections onto another person according to what we wish for, and in some cases, to what we lack in our own lives. The openness of hope for love with another often blossoms, with or without the projections, into infatuation and acceptance of each other. In many cases, this feeling of Love with another is due to how we feel when we are with them and may easily be combined with shared energies if the two people are sexually engaged. The energy transfer in open sex can often provide a shared desire that feels like a tear when two are physically separated to different locations.

The experience of falling in love and feeling love for another is perhaps the closest we come to heaven on earth, so to speak. To put it another way, the ecstasy of intimacy may mirror the spiritual connection in the present moment of an oneness with Life’s Source and Love Center… or spiritual oneness. Truly the feelings of love in the moment may have a quality of ‘eternity’…’forever’… and timelessness… again, mirroring spiritual Love.

And as most humans know, the projections of partnering and accepting can and usually do change. We discover our imperfect humanness and that our partner was not all that we projected them to be. Our fantasies are broken by real life. Some of the reasons for partnering may have somehow disappeared. The one who was so loved, becomes the one who becomes the object to ‘blame’ for our newly discovered unhappiness… or we fault ourselves for making a mistake… or for not seeing more clearly from the start.

Of course each person has their own version… our own story… and if we tell if long enough, we begin to believe it.

What I say and write is only my opinion. So now that I made that disclaimer, I will continue as if I actually know what I’m talking about. If it is useful for you… good. If you find it does not connect for you, that’s good too. Simply let it go.

It seems that most people have some type of spiritual awakening along the path, even if it is not labeled as a “spiritual awakening.” Many have visited guides, teachers, counselors, ministers, gurus, and others. We have the opportunity to learn at every moment. Most of our striving, trying, and doing are within the context of our social and cultural milieu along with our unique personal development and experience. What remains in the shadow of our unconscious can easily and often does have the tendency to control or at least impact our thinking, feelings, and actions.

The more aware we become… and there is always more to become aware of… the less likely we are to get lost in unconscious attractions, attachments, and behavior. On the other hand, each time we do get lost in the next adventure, it is also ‘grist for the mill’ of learning as we walk along our journey’s path.

It seems to follow that as we open to and experience ‘Source Love’ more directly in our own present experience, the more we can offer love to others in a way that is not looking for something in return. When we are disappointed or feel hurt in a relationship, it is a clear signal that we were expecting something different and were expecting something in return for giving Love…. Another teachable moment… Ideally, it seems that the more two people are actually experienced in Source Love, the more likely they will be able to openly be in and co-create a relationship… Source Love is always here. If we feel something else toward another person, we know we are dealing with some issue within.

Now, to be very, very clear…I hope… this does not mean in any way that we stay in a relationship or abusive situation just because there is love there for the other person. To appreciate that same Source Love first coming to us, we will honor and respect ourselves and move away from that energy that is reactive and abusive because of the shadow aspect of the other… and we must be reminded of the shadow in our own psyche that may have attracted the other… two unconsciously dancing shadows.

As humans and Being, we are complex and have many different energy patterns we carry. Most agree that if we had no imperfections, we would probably be elsewhere! This is to remind myself and others to be gentle on ourselves… to be as aware as possible… to trust our deeper intuition… and to continue to live with loving kindness as our guide.

Sometimes, I receive emails from friends, acquaintances, and others who read something I have said in my blog… and they say how much it hurts to want a relationship so much and yet they feel a bit powerless to actually make it happen… Or they have recently separated from who they thought was “the one”… Or others simply wonder if relationship is actually possible. In all these scenarios it depends a lot on not only how we define relationship, but what we are looking to ‘gain’ by being in a relationship.

I do not know if there is “one” person out there, a soul mate for each person. I suspect it is a bit more complex than that. On the other hand, we are all soul mates of the One Life that is ALL Life… Personally, I sense that the traditional paradigm of a fixed relationship, cemented in time and or space, is something that has been shifting for perhaps 30-40 years. That is part of many of our experiences and yet we may still be clinging to an idea that there is one person ‘out there’ that is perfect for us. It may be so. And I do not live by that ‘concept’ any longer which, for me, seems more of an expansion of my own openness rather than a resignation or loss of hope. It is freeing.

I contend that we must be somewhat together ourselves…FIRST… to the point of not ‘needing’ a relationship to fulfill some internal need for love and acceptance from the outside. When we feel good about ourselves, then we are better able to be present for others without expecting or wanting something in return.

If we truly bring the Source Love that runs to and through us to each moment and each encounter, without expectations or sets of rules about what a relationship should be, we perhaps can be in relationships that are truly timeless.

So the question remains: “How do we consistently connect with Love at the ‘Primary Source’ level?” Many of us know the words or theory or teachings… and yet find ourselves feeling a bit disconnected at times.

This subject has been addressed by most spiritual teachers every-where and every-when. Each of us has to find that wakefulness to the present moment beyond the shadows and blaring noises of both the unconscious energies of the psyche and the constant traffic of our egoic mind... Here are a few thoughts and avenues to consider:

·       Perhaps for some it takes a mindful inquiry into our experiences, feelings, and reactions as we go through the day.

·       Some find it useful to practice some form of meditation or contemplation.

·       Using our cognitive and creative abilities to grow positive thoughts to replace useless negative self-talk can provide a shift in attitude and feelings since thoughts and feelings are intricately entwined.

·       Asking for help from your deepest Source of Love within, from the divine, from your guides and angels… whatever you wish to call the unseen wise ones … can bring intervention and synchronicities.

·       Asking to talk with someone you trust who has the skills and wisdom to help you through some of the learning transitions… perhaps as a guide, counselor, or coach.

·       Explore and discover a way to let go of unwanted emotional states and restore a sense of centeredness;

·       Dreams can provide new information regarding unconscious dynamics and patterns and even connect us to direct messages from the realms of Wisdom and Love

·       Visualization and guided meditation or imagery works for many.

o   Guided Meditation by Drunvalo Melchizedek http://tinyurl.com/8skme6j

·       Spending time in nature can connect us to the wonderful natural sense of Life’s Oneness, power, and presence. Watching nature can teach us how to ‘be.’

·       There are many specific spiritual schools and religious groups designed to take you through their teachings…which may be helpful for some.

·       Many have experienced an opening through creativity, art, books, and stories of others.

There are always an infinite number of possibilities and an infinite number of possible outcomes based on the decisions and circumstances of our journey.

As long as we are looking to receive love from others and from a romantic relationship without the Love being present within that brings peace and acceptance, we will find disappointment. Relationships if they are to be satisfying, will take striving… that’s work… just as the path of being a spiritual warrior or warrioress takes work.

Learning the art of Present Moment living will help being present now and means learning to actually let go of yesterday’s emotional disappointments, hurts, pain, regrets, perceived failures, etc…. In addition it means letting go of any anxious and fear-based thoughts of tomorrow that our egoic mind wishes to conjure up to cast its spell and keep us away from this Present Moment of Now! The art of letting go of the past and future is liberating since we are no longer being controlled in the present moment. Letting go often involves forgiveness… forgiving ourselves and forgiving others…

Its work and it’s worth it. And it’s also simple… we just need to choose to do it.

So, what’s Love got to do with it?

Everything!

Plug consciously in to the One Love and we can channel and give that Love to the world around us and to the people in our lives. May Love be our soulmate…and maybe someone will show up who also is mated to Love!

Warm wishes, John

 

PS.... [8-3-14] Yes, we can love ourselves and all of life  without judgment or expectations from a centered space of spiritual or unconditional love and acceptance. As this become filtered through our personality, ego, and preferences, we also need to make choices and act with a decisive energy of kindness and respect for others, our self, and all of Life... and the beat goes on... You are invited to comment here and or write to John@sunhutch.com ... no solicitations please.